Glittering Cloud
by DigiExpert
Summary: Neviril's evolution as a person and shown through a set of drabbles, encased in the lyrics of a beautiful song. In the end, Neviril realizes the person who helped her through was the one she least expected.


**I don't often dedicate stories to anyone, but this is an exception. This fic wouldn't exist if it wasn't for the wonderful judamacaby on LJ sending it to me a few months ago. I made the connection to Neviril nearly immediately, which had been her intention all along. I also quickly wrote up some ideas for a fic, but it never got written because I hated what I was writing. Through some discussion with silverzephyr13 (LJ again), I figured out song drabble style would work best. And thus, this is what occurred. Thanks judamacaby! This one's for you.**

**The song used is Imogen Heap's Glittering Cloud, and is not mine of course. I do, however, highly recommend that you read this fic while listening to the song. Search it out on YouTube and then come back to read this. Like my other song drabble fic, it really makes it better.**

_I'm not always like this._

_It's something I've become._

_A terrible weakness_

_In my nature, in my blood._

_Save me, oh save me, save me from myself_

_Before I hurt somebody else again._

She reached out in the darkness, but her fingers merely grasped the tousled sheets instead. Closing them, she held back the sobs that threatened to cross her lips, but to do so was to hold back a flood. It only took one whispered sob for the others to break free. Tears rolled down her cheeks and landed on her pillow, soaking through the fabric. Her bed was empty, so empty, and she couldn't handle it. For so long her bed had held another occupant, and she had never wanted for anything else.

Routine patrol mission… it had never been something she would have expected to happen on a patrol mission. It was supposed to have been simple- fly out, do a Ri Majon or two as a Chor, and then return to the flight deck. Simple. Easy. Until the Argentines had shown up. She hadn't wanted to complete the Emerald Ri Majon…every bone in her body had told her it was a mistake. Everything she had studied had told her of the dangerous Ri Majon, even though there wasn't much evidence available. Shouldn't that have said it all? And yet… her pair had wanted to do it. Amuria… didn't believe the warning in the textbooks. It had seemed foolish to her.

_It's not so foolish now_… she thought, another sob breaking through. _It's not so foolish now_. What she didn't realize was that the Emerald would have always been doomed to fail; she and Amuria had not shared the same vision, hope, and idea. Their souls weren't in sync with their decisions, and the Emerald required such precision. It required all Sibyllae to desire the same goal. If one's heart was not in it… disaster would strike.

She wished for someone to console her. She could picture Amuria sitting beside her on the edge of the bed, whispering softly to her, pushing her hair back from her face. Amuria would have kissed her tears and told her to have faith in herself. She had always been the more confident of the two. It radiated from Amuria, and she had noticed how the rest of the Chor looked up to both of them. They believed that she had the same confidence, but she felt that she was deceiving them. It wasn't her; just Amuria.

Drawing the sheets closer to her body, she wondered what had happened to her. She couldn't bring herself to be strong. She felt so weak inside, and she knew that if Amuria were here, she wouldn't question her strength. But… wasn't she only continuing to draw from Amuria before? Was she even capable of living without the girl? Surely she could, since she had before Amuria had joined Chor Tempest. Was it possible to do so once again? She shook her head.

_I can't… I can't let anyone close to me like her. It's not me… I won't let them change me. Oh Tempus Spatium… I don't know if I can do this._ Her grip weakened on the bed sheets as the realization struck her. She wasn't sure if she wanted to pull through. She wasn't sure if she wanted to move on. She was sure, however, that she wouldn't let anyone get so close to her again. She couldn't… she couldn't risk it.

_Domino motion jump starts when we touch_

_The blackout approaching_

_Here it comes now, wish me luck._

_It's all over, it's all over, it's all over in a flash._

_I can't remember._

_What have I done now?_

She had sworn she wouldn't take a risk such as this and yet, she found herself acting on autopilot as her feet were poised on the edge of the maaju pool. Only one thought was in her mind, and she needed to see if it was true. It couldn't be true. Her body…felt strange. She had lost count of how many times she had jumped into the maaju pool since becoming a Sibylla. She had never felt so unsure as she did now, but her body reacted quicker than her thoughts. Before she knew it, she had fallen to the level of the one other occupant of the pool.

Before she could change her mind, she moved closer. As though on autopilot, her body maneuvered itself until it was aligned with Aaeru's. Her lips pressed against the younger girl's and she could feel the vibrations of protest against her own lips. She found herself to be just as surprised as Aaeru by the kiss. She wasn't sure why, but she felt no remorse or disgust. Soft, pleasant waves reverberated through her belly and she felt calm, peaceful. As quickly as she'd come, she left, knowing that she had given Aaeru questions she could not answer.

Through the darkness in her room that night, she wondered why she had done it. Kissing Aaeru…was it the best thing? What did she feel for the girl? Part of her felt as though she was trying to replace Amuria, to find some way of filling the empty void left in her heart. She'd told herself she wouldn't risk it, and now she was being childish, doing things like this. Hadn't Aaeru done the very same thing to her on the Messis? She recalled that night and remembered how she hadn't pushed the girl away. She should have. Every fiber of her being had screamed at her to. She had reasoned to herself that she hadn't done so because she was too shocked. Now, she wasn't sure. It wasn't only the shock that had held her back. There had been something more. She just wasn't sure what that more was.

Another memory came to mind, this one of the time she had first kissed Amuria in more than just the tradition of starting the Simoun. She remembered the day well because it was the day she had been appointed to the post of Sibylla Aurea. She recalled Amuria's nervousness and her question.

"_I want to…may I kiss you?"_

Back then she had thought that Amuria's question was strange, but she had never been kissed before. She recalled the pleasant thrumming in her belly, and the excitement, the uncertainty. She had felt the same when she had kissed Aaeru. Surely, the two girls were not the same. They each wanted her for their pair, but were their reasons so much the same? Yes. No. Yes. No. Back and forth her mind battled with itself, and in the end she wasn't any less confused.

Aaeru could never love her…she could never love Aaeru. She loved Amuria and always would. No one would take that special place in her heart again.

_Go go, faster, wider_

_More, more. Get it down, ya._

_Dance, dance. Take me over_

_Glittering cloud_

_Oh, my head hurts_

_Oh dear, oh dear._

And yet, when she thought of Aaeru, she couldn't help but remember their first flight together after she had returned from the Spring. All she had yearned for was to be in the sky because it would bring her closer to Amuria. She could have cared less about the young blonde in the green pilot suit who had wanted to fly with her. The girl didn't know her and couldn't understand the pain she was going through. However, she was capable of taking her high without asking questions. Therefore, Neviril had chosen to fly with her, instead of returning immediately to the Arcus Prima.

Her words must have confused the auriga, she realized now. All she remembered speaking of was going higher. Perhaps if she touched the clouds, she'd touch just a bit of Amuria, a bit of her soul left behind from the battle. If Amuria had died, then why not her? Why had Tempus Spatium deemed it so? She had deserved to die.

The sun had been setting, brilliant fiery reds mingling with wild oranges. The ship was nothing but a mere black speck above the tinted water and her eyes were heavenward. She had closed them for the moment, remembering the girl, her pair, her lover, her friend. The wind whipping against the Simoun had called her name.

"Stop… please…" she had called, her voice above a mere whisper.

"Eh? Here? Why?" Aaeru had asked.

"Please…"

Without another word, the Simoun had halted in the sky, hovering. The thrum of the motors vibrated against her seat. She had stood and opened the glass door that separated her from the sky, feeling the rush of the breeze against her face. It had calmed her, as she had imagined Amuria's fingers caressing the side of her face.

"It's nice up here, isn't it?" Aaeru had turned and smiled at her before glancing ahead of them. "Grandpa always watched the sunset with me. It's different watching it up here though."

She remembered nodding to herself. "Yes… it is different." The wind was like Amuria's arms wrapped gently around her, creating an embrace of safety and love. She hadn't wanted to let go, hadn't wanted to leave.

"You want me to take us back yet? Or continue flying?"

The realization that she would have to leave had been a blow to the heart, but she didn't let Aaeru see that. She had promised herself she would be strong… for the time being. With a heavy sigh, she had nodded. "We should return before it gets to dark, especially since you've never flown a Simoun much before."

"I can pilot in the dark. I'm just used to flying the Simile," Aaeru had protested.

"It's nearly time for dinner. We should return so that you may join the rest of the Chor."

"Aren't you going to join too?"

"I have… other things to attend to." She had sat back down, closing the glass door once more. Aaeru couldn't understand that all she wanted to do was return to her room and be alone with her grief. Her heart had been heavy, too heavy to handle alone, but she knew she had dealt with it all the same.

_It's all over the papers._

_On the TV, wagging tongues._

_The artist's impression looks just like me_

_Only… better._

_Don't blame me. Don't maim me. I can't help what I am._

_Oh, Lord knows I've tried to._

Still, she knew what the others thought of her- her fellow Chor members, the Dux, the captain, those who were merely civilians, her father, Aaeru. Some worshipped her; others revered her. Some considered her a friend and fellow Sibyllae, a competent sagitta and accomplished auriga. They relied and depended on her.

Yet, none of them really knew her beyond the basics, beyond the worship and reverence. They didn't dare get too close to touch her, for fear they'd burn their fingers. She had heard their words and rumors about her, and knew that much of it was exaggerated and stretched from the truth. The public and temple had created an image of her to their likeness, but it wasn't her own reflection. It was merely what they wanted Simulacrum to see, what they wanted to see in her.

She could only hang her head at the images that flickered through her mind of them discovering the truth. What would they do if they discovered she was merely a girl with a broken heart? What would they do if they discovered she wasn't as capable as they believed her to be? What of her Chor? What would they do if they discovered her real self?

Aaeru was the only one who wasn't afraid to get closer, even if her intentions were never quite right. Aaeru had always pushed forward with her, whether she liked it or not. From the first day they'd crossed paths on the Arcus Prima, Aaeru had always been there, never letting her retreat too far into herself before pulling her back from the darkness again.

She wished she could take the same outlook on life that Aaeru had. The girl was always charging forward. Nothing held her back for long. She yearned for the sky, she yearned to follow her dream, and Aaeru wanted her to see it to. She wasn't sure why Aaeru found her so intriguing, or why Aaeru was able to push all of her buttons to make her speak her mind, but she realized that she needed Aaeru to do it, to give her life once again.

What Aaeru was doing was helping her shed off the shadows she had gathered, to get rid of the things she had hated about herself. Aaeru was forcing her to stand on her own two feet without relying on another for strength. She no longer found herself wishing for Amuria's strong embrace or Paraietta's protectiveness. That was taking the easy way out. Aaeru grounded her when she needed it, and then let her fly free, just as though she were a bird in the sky.

She knew she couldn't help who she had become after Amuria had died. Perhaps it had all been necessary, a process she had to go through to emerge a new person from it. She had needed the false imagery everyone had created of her to be allowed to grieve and think and process. She could picture that hand though, the one attached to the simple smile of the girl who wanted to pull her to the sky. She had tried on her own to changed what she had become, but in the end, it had taken the actions of a spunky Sibylla to bring her around.

_Go go, faster, wider_

_More, more. Get it down, ya._

_Dance, dance. Take me over_

_Glittering cloud_

Her thoughts brought her to the present, as she and Aaeru hovered over a place she had never seen before. Green grasslands looked up at her, patches of brown mixed in. The sky was not that of Daikuriku, but that of some other land. The Emerald…had worked. She and Aaeru and performed the dangerous Ri Majon and neither had failed. Now they hovered high in the sky. Her heart beat loudly against her chest, excitement building. She couldn't resist opening the glass door and standing, letting the breeze catch her hair.

"Look, Neviril! We made it! The Emerald worked!"

To hear Aaeru speak made her think of a young child receiving her most desired gift. She watched as her love looked to the sky, a triumphant grin on her face. If she knew Aaeru well enough, she knew the girl was saying "I told you we could do it, Neviril. I told you we could." She closed her eyes, a smile playing on her face. A new land…a new sky… a new world… and more to discover. They had become eternal maidens in the truest sense.

Opening her eyes, she was surprised to find Aaeru looking up at her from auriga cockpit, hands resting on the Simoun gem. The girl grinned and she couldn't help but return the grin. It was infectious, a contagious feeling spreading through her body. She leaned closer to Aaeru, balancing herself against the gem.

"Want me to take us down? We can explore the land better if the Simoun is closer to the ground. You can observe the surrounding area. Then we could see about setting up camp for the n-"

She kept Aaeru from finishing her sentence as her lips covered Aaeru's. She kissed her gently, conveying the feelings that were surging through her body in that one simple kiss. Vaguely, she realized it was the first kiss they had shared that didn't involve tradition or was done while playing the waiting game. When she pulled away, she rested her forehead against Aaeru's. "Thank you…" she whispered softly.

"I didn't do it alone, Neviril. You helped too. We couldn't have done the Emerald—"

She had to interrupt before Aaeru got the wrong idea about what she was saying. "For believing in me. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here with you now. Not like this. Don't you understand?" She searched the girl's eyes, hoping to see some sign or hint reflected back to her.

"I…I think so." She could tell that Aaeru was confused though, and she didn't blame her. She kissed the girl once more before sitting back down. "Let's explore this world, Aaeru. Together."

Aaeru nodded. "Of course." It didn't take her long to settle back into her seat and guide the Simoun through the sky.

She watched as the land rolled past and she looked for things both familiar and not. She was excited, and yet, uncertain as to what they would discover on their journey through time and space, but she had Aaeru by her side, and that was all that mattered most to her.

**Author's Notes: There are a few references to other fics in this one. When Neviril is remembering Amuria kissing her for the first time, it references my "Just a Moment" fic. At the very end, when Neviril is noting how the kiss is different from before, the second part of her statement references my "You and I" fic. You don't have to have read either to understand, but I do like to explain the connections to previous stories.**


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